We’ve all heard at least one person say this about someone else. Perhaps we’ve said it ourselves. But the other day, when my partner said that about our daughter when she wouldn’t stop crying and wouldn’t go to sleep; something told me that wasn’t the case. And is it ever truly the case? Is it that he or she ever just does something to get attention? Or is that diminishing deeper, more complex emotions going on?

I was what you called an “attention-seeking” child. I loved to put on a show. Literally. I liked to dress up, sing and dance in front of an audience even if it was just for my relatively tiny extended family. I loved to make people laughed. And I hate to admit it as an adult, but I loved being seen. I was the youngest out of 3 girls. My older sisters were also much older so I also always felt some pressure to act older than I was to fit it. I don’t want to make it seem like I had a rough upbringing, but there was undoubtedly a lot of stress and tension in my household growing up. My mom, the strongest damn woman (sometimes to her detriment) was battling aggressive breast cancer from when I was 3 years old until her death when I was 13. My dad was more or less absent, and there was deep resentment and anger between my parents. My mom would yell and scream, while my dad would just retreat into hiding until the storm had passed. Each of us daughters navigated these rifts a little differently, but it wasn’t until much later in life that I realized that “attention seeking” behavior I had was actually just a way to lighten the mood. I hated it when my mom was angry or sad, or upset. And making her and family members laugh and focus on something else other than whatever my mom’s neuroses were at the moment. Of course I was young child and so my timing may not have always been appropriate but that’s why I did what I did. I wasn’t just doing it for attention. There was a purpose, a survival mechanism almost, behind all of those songs, dances, and dramatic reenactments of “The Nutcracker” (my favorite ballet). The interesting thing is when my mom died, the general tension in the household died with her, and so did my attention seeker ways. There was no longer a use for it. There was no neuroses, just heavy heavy grief from which couldn’t be escaped with a song and dance. And so the child that was full of optimism – the entertainer- went into her room, and a sad, lonely, unsure, young teen emerged. I never have regained that sense of exuberance, and maybe that’s normal with adulthood. But I know that rapid change in my personality, depression related or not, had (or has) a lasting effect on my self identity. I am till trying to connect those two versions of myself together to build a cohesive sense of self.

It’s easy to forget that even a 3 year old can have some very complex emotions going on that they have yet to understand. I by no means am trying to give any parenting advice and each situation and child is different, but the next time you feel your child is acting out for attention, just ask yourself – “is that it?” Is there anything else that could be driving some feeling of insecurity which results in attention seeking behavior? Just a thought. I would just hate for me to make the same mistake with my daughter as many have made with me.