I’ve been listening to a book on self – sabotage and have been thinking a lot about self limiting beliefs and how they are related to other’s perception of us- (or at least our perception of their perception of us). Anyway, it made me think of something I do frequently but unconsciously. I vastly undersell myself to make sure I don’t hold myself in higher regard to the majority of other people. In fact, I would go as far as say as I have fear having a more positive view of myself than reality. For example, I would be mortified if I became a person who thought they were really great at something, or exceptionally generous, or exceptionally funny, when in reality they aren’t. So to prevent this, I essentially view myself as not exceptional at all.

I started thinking about how those underselling beliefs have really harmed my self esteem and without a doubt has limited my potentional. Let me give you an example– I won’t call myself “smart” because what if people think I’m actually a ditz. That would be so embarrassing! I won’t call myself attractive because not everyone may find me attractive – and I don’t want to be that girl that thinks they are soooo hot.

I don’t view myself as funny, because some people may think I’m dry and boring. Or the worst one — I don’t want to view myself as rational and sane because what if people actually see me as being emotionally unbalanced and a little unhinged. Because you know what’s worse than being dumb, ugly, bring, and crazy? It’s being dumb, ugly, boring, and crazy, AND delusionally unaware of it.

Therefore it’s much safer to hold just “meh” opinions of myself. I won’t describe myself as dumb, ugly, or crazy because I don’t think that negatively of myself. And I wouldn’t never want to sound self-pitying. Rather, I won’t hold any strong views on myself at all, leaving room for all other’s interpretations of me, without appearing full of myself and boastful, or wallowing in self pity (because no one likes a crybaby either).

But why? Why should I care if others think “Ha! She thinks she’s funny, even thought she’s totally not!” Or “oh, poor girl has no idea how untalented she actually is”. We’ve all seen those horrible auditions on American Idol to only make the audience laugh at their expense. This would be one of my worst nightmares.

Why am I so afraid of viewing myself in a way that may or may not conflict with someone else’s perception of me? When I break it down, it does sound a little nuts, but I know it’s because there’s a deeply seeded belief in me from a child that being humble was good, and bragging was bad. And as I’ve grown from child to adult, those values got a little warped in the process- leading to a low esteem, and only viewing myself positively when I’ve gotten “enough” external validation (aka evidence). Of course there isn’t really ever enough validation. Because that “positive view” that shifted after having, say 100, people tell me I’m smart and pretty, will still only take one negative comment to completely knock me off course. This is a classic example of a “fragile ego”.

I have been doing some spiritual and internal work with a therapist on repairing and fortifying my ego, but the more work I do, the more evident it becomes how fragile it has been all along and how much my fragile ego has been the driving force behind almost every decision I’ve made. From what I wear, to how I make a living, almost everything has been in an effort to seek external validation to bolster up my broken and patched up self-identity.

So I’m curious if anyone else out there can relate? If so, how do you think it’s held you back in life?